Why Leonidas is a bad King and a terrible father; also, when did Han Solo become my role model?
Watched 300 a few weeks ago (never seemed to get around to seeing it in the theatre). Great movie, full of spectacle, manly speeches that don't sound gimmicky -- *cough* Braveheart *cough* --, and enough blood and guts that it basically qualifies as warfare porn. Leonidas has all the qualities that make for a memorable and incredible historical figure: pigheaded stubborness, incredible gumption, not a thought in the world for his personal safety, and a desire to die gloriously in battle. Makes for an incredible movie, but what a lousy king and horrific father he'd be.
First off, he gets fooled by a bunch of lecherous old men. It's well and good to be respectful of tradition, but to leave your country open to invasion so that you can respect the Carneia (spelling..?)? That makes no sense. Octavius Ceasar would have visited those geezers with a small garrison at his back, and given them a simple choice: accept this bag of gold and declare the omens good, or accept this bag of gold and prepare for a beheading. What's worse is that he apparently cultivated no traitors amongst the oracles' servants, so he had no one to advise him of their treachery. Probably wasn't very manly of him to think that far ahead. Also, killing messengers tends to be a pretty stupid thing to do. Pretty soon no one, even your friends, wants to send you messengers.
Okay, so the oracle squad basically screwed him. What should he do now? I'll tell you what he shouldn't do: lead the army himself. As in, take the field in front of his troops. About the most important thing a King, or any military leader for that matter, can do is stay alive. Once he's dead, those loyal to him tend to lose heart very rapidly. Also, presumably he's the leader because he's good at what he does. Grunts can be recruited, military geniuses are a little harder to come by. I don't understand his reasoning in selecting 300 soldiers. It may be a great idea to sacrifice three hundred to kill ten thousand, but why select men with children? Seems a lot smarter to select men without children. But, I digress.
Okay, so they're now at the battle. Xerxes gives him about twenty opportunities to submit. Well, we know Leonidas isn't above trickery (he pretends to submit later on). Why not pretend right then, get close to Xerxes, and stick a knife through his eye? At first I thought Leonidas would not have acted so dishonorably, but apparently he does so about one and a half hours later! If Xerxes is dumb enough to get close, take advantage of it you fool! You're just going to sacrifice your life later, might as well do it now when it could end the war in about five seconds.
If you don't want to use the hunchback on the front-line, but he's the only one who knows about the secret path, don't embarass him and send him on his way! Fine, he can't protect anyone his left. Put him on the extreme left of the front-line, or have him do something productive. If you really don't want to use him, then at least don't let him leave. Bah. Stupid stupid stupid.
Finally, when Xerxes does find the path, retreat! Your kingdom needs you, your son needs you, and the wife you stupidly left behind to rule without ensuring that she had allies within the city needs you most of all. The Persians would have days and days of marching to think about what a fraction of the Spartan army did to them. About half their army would have deserted before reaching Sparta. With you dead, they were likely emboldened and ready to carry on. Now your child gets to grow up without you, and you basically died for nothing (he'd probably say honor, which is the same as nothing).
I guess it's my changing mind-set, cuz' When I was a kid, I thought Han Solo was scum and Luke Skywalker the great thing ever. Now, I think Luke is a moron. Rule the galaxy with your father and kill the emperor? Sounds awesome. Maybe he could even soften Dad up. The alternative is to throw myself down a twenty mile airshaft? No thanks. Suicide mission to the Death Star? I'll take the money, por favor.
There's a difference between cowardice and deciding that throwing your life away needlessly is a bad idea. Wait, I think I've heard someone say something like that ...
First off, he gets fooled by a bunch of lecherous old men. It's well and good to be respectful of tradition, but to leave your country open to invasion so that you can respect the Carneia (spelling..?)? That makes no sense. Octavius Ceasar would have visited those geezers with a small garrison at his back, and given them a simple choice: accept this bag of gold and declare the omens good, or accept this bag of gold and prepare for a beheading. What's worse is that he apparently cultivated no traitors amongst the oracles' servants, so he had no one to advise him of their treachery. Probably wasn't very manly of him to think that far ahead. Also, killing messengers tends to be a pretty stupid thing to do. Pretty soon no one, even your friends, wants to send you messengers.
Okay, so the oracle squad basically screwed him. What should he do now? I'll tell you what he shouldn't do: lead the army himself. As in, take the field in front of his troops. About the most important thing a King, or any military leader for that matter, can do is stay alive. Once he's dead, those loyal to him tend to lose heart very rapidly. Also, presumably he's the leader because he's good at what he does. Grunts can be recruited, military geniuses are a little harder to come by. I don't understand his reasoning in selecting 300 soldiers. It may be a great idea to sacrifice three hundred to kill ten thousand, but why select men with children? Seems a lot smarter to select men without children. But, I digress.
Okay, so they're now at the battle. Xerxes gives him about twenty opportunities to submit. Well, we know Leonidas isn't above trickery (he pretends to submit later on). Why not pretend right then, get close to Xerxes, and stick a knife through his eye? At first I thought Leonidas would not have acted so dishonorably, but apparently he does so about one and a half hours later! If Xerxes is dumb enough to get close, take advantage of it you fool! You're just going to sacrifice your life later, might as well do it now when it could end the war in about five seconds.
If you don't want to use the hunchback on the front-line, but he's the only one who knows about the secret path, don't embarass him and send him on his way! Fine, he can't protect anyone his left. Put him on the extreme left of the front-line, or have him do something productive. If you really don't want to use him, then at least don't let him leave. Bah. Stupid stupid stupid.
Finally, when Xerxes does find the path, retreat! Your kingdom needs you, your son needs you, and the wife you stupidly left behind to rule without ensuring that she had allies within the city needs you most of all. The Persians would have days and days of marching to think about what a fraction of the Spartan army did to them. About half their army would have deserted before reaching Sparta. With you dead, they were likely emboldened and ready to carry on. Now your child gets to grow up without you, and you basically died for nothing (he'd probably say honor, which is the same as nothing).
I guess it's my changing mind-set, cuz' When I was a kid, I thought Han Solo was scum and Luke Skywalker the great thing ever. Now, I think Luke is a moron. Rule the galaxy with your father and kill the emperor? Sounds awesome. Maybe he could even soften Dad up. The alternative is to throw myself down a twenty mile airshaft? No thanks. Suicide mission to the Death Star? I'll take the money, por favor.
There's a difference between cowardice and deciding that throwing your life away needlessly is a bad idea. Wait, I think I've heard someone say something like that ...
posted by O.C. Mike at
2:57 PM
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